"I don’t like playing around with fire"

August 22nd, 2004

Britney,

I’ve only just returned from holiday vacations. In case you forgot, I spent nearly five days exploring the northern part of my country. Some places are really beautiful, and if you like castles, churches and history, then Minho is a place you would like to visit. We saw lots of places, which means I can just about say I have explored the whole of my country.
While I was in Braga, I happened to pick up a newspaper with a small article of you in it. Something about you and Kevin (for a change). I landed up keeping the newspaper for myself, yet I do not know what I’m going to do with it. Although my conscience tells me to keep it safe so that I can throw it together with the rest of my collection of Britney articles, my heart tempts me to burn it, after I cast a spell or two. I probably will just keep it, because I don’t like playing around with fire. On top of it, the picture in the article is only of you, so I can just go on without reading the text.
Later on, in Viana, I was looking through some magazines until I picked up one with you on the cover (BRAVO magazine, sure you’ve heard of it). I once again felt sick when I realized that the article was about your future wedding. Still, I bought it and joined the cover to another one of my collections.
I want you to know that I’m not some sort of maniac, obsessed on what you do or don’t do. I just want you to know that I love you so much, that sometimes I mean to protect you. Silly, ain’t it?

Nikki

"I haven’t found a reason for all of this madness"

August 16th, 2004
Hi Britney,

Well today I can’t really chat with you, because tomorrow I’m going up north for a few days and I still want to get everything sorted out. Otherwise, I’m sure you’ve probably got a bunch of things to do yourself, therefore I just wanted to show you a song I wrote, It’s about you, and kind of what I’m feeling right now. It’s called “Everything (That’s You)” and I hope you like it! Cheers!

I haven’t found a reason for all of this madness
I’d like to know why it is I am so glued to you
I know… there’s no reason at all
I think I’ve never felt so beautiful just by staring at your face

I will fall, I will cry
But it all leads up to this one very point in my life

I get a headache every time someone says your name
Just by thinking about everything
Everything’s that’s you

Everyone asks why it is that I like you so much
And I swear, I don’t know what to say
I stare at the computer nearly everyday
Trying to write you a letter where all I ask you is why things had to be this way

I saw you, you saw me
Still we acted like nobody had been seen

I just hate to think that I’m the only one that feels this way
And everything falls down on me
Although we are miles apart
Baby, you can still break my heart
Like the very first time

Like the very first time, oh yeah
I can still remember that day
How I wish I could go back and reconsider once again

You will fall, you will cry
And I will stay here because I promised to keep by your side

I have never taken my heart and let it be tortured this way
But I’m happy that it’s you
Stand by me and I will guide you when all the lights go out
That’s the way it should be, cause you’re my everything

Nikki

"I never thought I’d go this far"

August 15th, 2004

Dear Britney,

You know that everyone goes on holiday, right? There’s just that one time of the year where you want to forget all your responsibilities and lay back in the sun and relax. Some people even use this time to visit that one place where they love to be, while others just want to be with their family. Meanwhile, you get people like me that face loving you like a living and when August comes around every year, they sit back and remember how it all started, Ah, yes! It was in grade 5, on the way to the zoo. I heard your song on the radio and thought to myself “there’s just something in that voice that makes me want to know more”. Then came the CDs, the magazine cut-outs and the rest of the whole extravaganza. I visited that same zoo less then a month ago, but it felt so different. It felt strange to look around and think that after all these years, things still remain the same. I wonder what it will be like to visit that same zoo again in a few years time. Do you think things will be different? I honestly don’t know. I never thought I’d go this far. This month I celebrate exactly five years that this bond was created in between us. Sometimes I even tell people it’s been six years because it feels like it’s been so long. I look back on the years and remember when I used to be a Spice Girls’ fan. Now that period in my life makes me literally laugh. But then I think of these last five years and only a smile comes to my face. You know why? Because it’s serious. I’m not a little girl anymore. After Jesus Christ and my mother, you have become my role model. The only difference between you and the first two is that I’ve got to think twice before I follow one of your steps.
I don’t think I’ve told you yet, but in September I’m going to see Madonna live. Yeah, you remember Madonna! She’s your role model. At least that’s what you always say. It’s become more than obvious that you’ve followed her steps. Do you ever wonder if what you’re doing is the right thing? Are you being yourself, or are you doing what you always wanted to do?

Nikki

"sometimes I just don’t know what to say"

August 10th, 2004

Dearest Miss Spears,

It has never felt so good to call you “Miss Spears”. I get the chills every time I think people might start calling you “Mrs. Federline”. I keep imagining that on your wedding day I will be able to burst through that church door and just say “STOP!”. Then everyone would remain shocked, Kevin would let his pants fall down, the priest would sigh and close his heavy book, and then you would wake up at that moment and realize that you were just about to make one of your biggest mistakes in life. So by then I would have already arranged a taxi to wait for you outside the church, and you would go running out, frightening all the pigeons in your way… Well, that’s just me dreaming, and I don’t want to get my hopes up too high.
Strangest thing has been happening these last few days! Normally you’d think that when school’s finished, you’ll have all the time in the world to other things, such as writing letters to people that don’t read them. Then you land up finding a summer job that goes on for four weeks, and you think to yourself, “well as soon as that’s over, I’ll be sure to have all the time in the world!” So now the summer job is over and you realize that you have even less time to do the things you want to do. So most ironically, it is during school period that I have most time to talk to you. It’s not that I don’t want to… maybe sometimes I just don’t know what to say.
Anyhow, what I had to say today has already been said. On top of it, I’ve got a list of people I still want to write a letter to, including my family in South Africa. Therefore I’ll be leaving you for now, hoping that you’re nearly fully recovered from your knee injury and that life treats you kind. See you soon!

Nikki

“she’s real, she’s here”

August 5th, 2004

Dearest Britney,

Today is a celebration day! You might not realize why at first, but the truth is it’s because today makes two months since I saw you (at the Rock in Rio). Everyday I take some time to think about that concert. To me it was more than a concert. It was realizing that you really exist. What made it even more special was the fact that my best friends were there with me. Did you know that they held my hand tight before you came on stage and kept saying, “she’s real, she’s here”. Those few moments hold a big space in my heart, along with every other second I spent screaming your name and singing your songs. You probably don’t remember that day. To you it was just another concert. Strange it is to know that two days later you and Kevin would be getting engaged…
I can’t be long today. I’m at work right now, (supposed to be) working through my lunch hour so that I can leave earlier. But since I was thinking about you, I’d thought it would be a good moment to say “hi”.
Tomorrow, or in my next letter, I promise I’ll take a bit longer, and probably explain things that you probably want to know (like what the hell got into me to just start writing you letters everyday). Well I better go… later on I still want to past by the post office and send this letter off. See you soon!

Nikki

"I need you to know that I exist"

August 3rd, 2004

Dearest Britney,

I have just about lost count of all the letters I’ve sent you, but I think they are around thirty. Well, the truth is, right now thirty letters lay inside one of my notebooks because I didn’t send anyone out. So later on I might start talking about things you “supposed” to know of. But I promise I’ll try to avoid complicated situations (which is one of the reasons why those letters were never sent out). So I guess it’s starting from zero again…
Well my name is Dominique, but I am well-known as Nikki. I’ve never told you my age, because I don’t find it important for you to understand what I’m trying to say. But I would consider that fact that I’m living in Portugal an important detail. For me to be writing this letter, it could only mean two things: either I’m one of those ignorant people that find all the time in the world to write you hate-letters, or I’m just a simple, devoted fan, wanting to be heard after five years of complete dedication. The second option applies to me, actually. And I know you’ve probably heard this hundreds of times, so you’re just about to tear this letter apart and through it into a bin, thinking “Well it must be just another one of those letters where someone I don’t even know explains how much he loves me and really wants to meet me…”
Well guess what, Britney? I am one of those idiots that really love you and dream of meeting you. But my passion goes a bit more beyond that. I need you to know that I exist, that I wake up everyday thinking about and wondering what you might be doing. I need you to know that you’ve seen me, but my face probably faded away amongst the thousands of other fans around me. Last but not least, I need you to hear me out, listen to what I’ve got to say. I might not be your mother, sister, or best friend… but I’m someone that really cares about you, and right now that’s all that matters.
I admit that this “first” letter didn’t come out as well as planned. Probably because I’m hungry and can already smell the chicken and spaghetti waiting for me in the kitchen. So all I ask is for you to look out for my messy envelopes, because I promise that my next letters will be a lot more expiring, and there may be a few things about me you would like to know…

Nikki